Surrender
by KJaneway115
Summary: Post Endgame, Chakotay wonders if he's been fighting the wrong battle for seven years. Written for the 2015 VAMB Secret Drabble Exchange.


_Written for cara_mia for the 2015 VAMB Secret Drabble Exchange. Cara_mia supplied the first line, and the stories were limited to 1200 words or less. Thanks to cara_mia for the great request and to Mizvoy for looking this over._

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SURRENDER

 _It's all about choosing your battles_ , Chakotay thought as he watched the door close behind Seven of Nine. _Voyager_ had been back in the Alpha Quadrant for three days, and this was the third time Seven had tried to end their relationship. _Third time's the charm_. He had finally let her go, and he was surprised to discover he was not upset about it. An uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach told him that maybe this was because he had chosen not to fight another battle a long time ago, one that he should have.

He shrugged it off and walked into his bedroom to find his last bottle of Antarian cider. He had saved it for a long time, planning to share it with someone on a special occasion, but now that _Voyager_ had returned home, holding onto it seemed pointless. He was about to crack open the bottle when the door chimed. "Come in." He wasn't expecting company and had no idea who would be visiting at this hour. "Kathryn!" he exclaimed when he saw her in the doorway. Her eyes were bright and a little red. She was trying to hide it with makeup, but he could tell that she had been crying. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. May I come in?"

"Of course. I was just about to open my last bottle of Antarian cider. I had been saving it for a celebration, and I was just regretting that I had no one to share it with. Will you join me?" He tried to sound lighthearted, even though he felt the weight of seven years pressing down on him.

"No, I shouldn't..." She paused, looking off into the distance, her expression sad. Then something in her eyes changed. "Oh, all right. Why the hell not."

He grinned, wider than he should have, and poured them each a glass of cider. "Sit down," he offered, bringing their ciders to the couch. She sat next to him, their knees almost touching. "To the journey," he said softly. They clinked glasses.

"The journey," she replied, then took a long sip of the cider and gazed out into the distance again.

Chakotay was burning to know why she had come here, tonight of all nights, and why it looked like she had been crying. "A penny for your thoughts."

"I don't think my thoughts are relevant anymore."

"Your thoughts are always relevant to me, Kathryn."

She was quiet for a long time before taking a deep breath. "Okay. I was thinking about something the admiral said. About you." She paused. "And Seven."

"What?"

"She said you would marry, and Seven would die." She paused again. "I was surprised how upset I was."

"I'm not surprised you were upset by Seven's death."

"That's not what I was upset about."

It took a moment for her words to sink in, and he wondered if he had understood her correctly. "What, then?"

"I was upset when she told me you were going to marry her." Without looking at him, she willed herself to continue before she lost her nerve. "The last couple days have given me a lot of time to think, more time than I've had in years. I had time to think about my reaction to what the admiral said, and I realized that I could only have been so upset about you marrying Seven for one reason: I still had feelings for you."

Chakotay's eyes were wide and he fought keep his jaw from hanging open. " _Still_?"

"But, as I said, it's no longer relevant," she continued, as if she hadn't heard him.

"Why would that be irrelevant?"

"Because you and Seven…" She trailed off as she saw him shaking his head.

"We're not, Kathryn." He was grinning as she groaned and buried her face in her hands.

"I've really botched this up, haven't I?" she asked. She lifted her face and forced herself to look into Chakotay's eyes. "I used to think that when we got home..." She stopped. "But then, I had to come to terms with the fact that that could be years before that happened, and I could never be with anyone on the ship, not and be a good captain. I couldn't ask you to wait for me, because I knew you would have, so I hid my feelings from you. I even hid them from myself. It took the admiral's revelation to make me realize what I truly felt."

Chakotay shook his head in disbelief. "You want to know what I was just thinking about?"

"What?"

"I was wondering whether I fought the wrong battle all these years. I was wondering whether I should have told you exactly how I felt." He ran a hand through his hair. "And now I find out you felt the same way."

She looked away from him. "I'm glad you didn't, Chakotay. It would have made everything more painful for both of us."

"How can you know that?"

"I needed to put a hundred percent of my attention on my work. A momentary lapse of concentration could have meant death. Our relationship would have been my last priority."

"Wasn't it anyway?" he asked, without bitterness.

"It had to be." She looked sad when she said it. "But I knew that for you it wasn't. I didn't say it nearly often enough, but I did notice and appreciate all you did. You were always on my side, fighting to make my life easier. Without you, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now, and our friendship would have disintegrated long ago."

"I was never sure if you noticed."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never told you before."

He couldn't bear the dejected look in her eyes and he reached out to place his hand on her knee. "It's okay."

They sat in silence and he was surprised when her hand came to rest on top of his. Her touch felt tentative at first, but then she scooted closer to him and let her head fall onto his shoulder. "I'm exhausted."

He chuckled softly. "Well, in the last four days you beat the Borg, met your future self and brought our crew home. I can't imagine why you'd be exhausted."

After another long silence, she said, "Is it my turn now?"

"Hm?"

"I know it sounds terribly selfish, but I can't tell you how often I wondered, when is it my turn? I felt guilty for thinking it, but sometimes I wondered when I would get to sit on a sofa with you and have absolutely nothing in the world to do other than enjoy your company."

He lifted his hand from her knee and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "You can do that now, can't you?"

She nodded, curling her body tighter against him. "At least until tomorrow when I have to meet with the Fleet Admiral."

Chakotay pulled back and grinned at her. "Oh, I have a lot of ideas about how to pass the time until then." She laughed, simply, joyfully, and pulled his head down to hers. Grateful that this was one battle he no longer had to fight, Chakotay happily surrendered.


End file.
